In short… a friend came here to a psychiatrist – she went to different ones, collected from the scattered in a pile, and here she decided to put a point. The psychiatrist was like, after the conversation:

-“I can make a housewife out of you, of course. You’ll be so obedient and diligent, so convenient to everyone. But you’ll soon get bored with life.

And she was like:

-“Oh, I don’t want that. What are the other options? You can make me dutiful, but you can make me keep my, uh, my recklessness.

-We don’t change the personality. You just need to be more balanced, but not to the detriment of your uniqueness.

-Can we do that? Just please don’t dull my senses. That’s the way I like myself. That’s the way I am.

-It’s not safe sometimes to be just like this. -Sometimes. And you need to take a break from all this hesitation.

–And you promise, promise that my libido won’t go away? You promise?! That I’ll be able to play sports? That I’ll be able to work.

-You’ll keep it all. No, it’ll stay, just not too much.

-Okay. What about me, doctor? What is it?

-Well, I’ll tell you scientifically, -and he says something incomprehensible in medical language.

-Wait, how can I put it in simple language? You know, those doctors given me so many diagnoses. They threw all the words they knew from their medical schools and just threw them at me.

-So you were caught on the wave, that’s what they gave you. -I don’t understand.

-I don’t understand. -Well, what have I got? If it’s not in Latin?

In short… a friend came here to a psychiatrist – she went to different ones, collected from the scattered in a pile, and here she decided to put a point. The psychiatrist was like, after the conversation:

-“I can make a housewife out of you, of course. You’ll be so obedient and diligent, so convenient to everyone. But you’ll soon get bored with life.

And she was like:

-“Oh, I don’t want that. What are the other options? You can make me dutiful, but you can make me keep my, uh, my recklessness.

-We don’t change a person’s personality. You just need to be more balanced, but not to the detriment of your uniqueness.

-Can we do that? Just please don’t dull my senses. That’s the way I like myself. That’s the way I am.

-It’s not safe sometimes to be just like this. -Sometimes. And you need to take a break from all this hesitation.

-And you promise, promise that my libido won’t go away? -You promise? That I’ll be able to play sports? That I’ll be able to work.

-You’ll keep it all. No, it’ll stay, just not too much.

-Okay. What about me, doctor? What is it?

-Well, I’ll tell you scientifically, -and he says something incomprehensible in medical language.

-Wait, how can I put it in simple language? You know, they’ve given me so many things. They threw the words they knew and threw them at me.

-So you were caught on the wave, that’s what they gave you.

 -I don’t understand. -Well, what have I got? If it’s not in Latin?

-If it’s not Latin, you’re just a hysteroid personality type. -No diagnosis. No diagnosis, it’s just a character trait: all or nothing, at euphoric peaks you make geniuses.

That’s why you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder; you have defiantly demonstrative behavior to win attention – you were diagnosed with borderline disorder and cyclothymia. You yourself are the purpose and meaning of your life! You also spend a lot of energy to play different situational roles, which sometimes turns out unnatural and clumsy – you were diagnosed with ADHD, and apathy was mistaken for depression. That’s it.

A friend like that is a little shocked. All these years, all these Google searches about all this stuff, she’s got all these things.

-So you’re saying I’m just hysterical?! I’ve come all this way to hear that I’m just an ordinary hysteric?!

-You’re certainly unusual. You have too high an intelligence to fall into the classic hysterical neurosis. Where the average person can’t cope without medication, you just have to learn to adjust your reactions.

-Don’t get hysterical? 

The doctor is silent and smiling.

-What do you want me to say? You’re a classic creative person. That’s it. You need to create something all the time, you need to be admired all the time. In fact, life without creativity is meaningless to you. Learn the first without the second.

-That means I’m just a completely banal creative hysteric…

My friend doesn’t know whether to be happy or sad. She seems to have created such an epathetic image for herself in her epathetic creative environment, and then she’s just an ordinary hysteric. She can’t even shine anywhere. It’s embarrassing. When she gets acquainted with people, so from the doorstep: I have this! Friends and acquaintances gasp with euphoria – at her peak to be together with her. And here: I’m actually hysterical. 

I don’t know. I told her: Well, you should be happy, probably, and you’ll live longer. And she was like, “What the hell, I’m already registered. In another city, though. 

I do not know… I do not know… tell them that confused and that the doctor with dozens of PhDs, dozens of published scientific articles and dozens of years of experience and experience has identified in you only hysteria. 

***

Oh, dear friend, I wish I had your worries. They tell you: move on, we took the stones out of you, and she keeps demanding those stones back. 

***

And in the meantime… in the meantime, my mom is giving me vitamin B, yes, she’s giving me vitamin B in my ass. She used to give me nettles when I was a kid, now she’s giving me vitamin B. It suddenly makes my brain so active that I can’t get enough hours in the day. Or is it a temporary euphoria because we’re all together… For now – all together…

And that you don’t have to look at how much gas costs and sweat at the amount on the check at the grocery store, and that you can walk on your head until morning, because the landlord upstairs doesn’t exist… and that you don’t have to drive your kids to school, because they are home-schooled, and that you can be a little girl – always creating everything, creating, with whims and whims. 

Basically, a regular creative person with hysterical elements.

________

All of this happened when I returned to Moscow after 3 years and went to see a local psychiatrist. Without any Canadian-style tiptoeing around difficult topics, he delivered such a blunt diagnosis. And my mom even tried to ‘fix’ me with vitamin B.