This year. Honestly? Without any frills, without society’s imposed rules. Just about myself, no global agenda. Honestly? This year turned out to be one of the best in my life (better were 2009, when N was born, 2012 when A came after, and of course, 2008 when I met K and those two wonderful beings came to be).

In 2023 I worked with the coolest team (I was front desk manager at two hotels), with such amazing people—our teamwork was so soulful that leaving them felt like a guilt: leaving them alone in the hands of not-so-people-oriented management. We laughed like crazy sometimes till our stomachs hurt—at our guests, at ridiculous rules, at each other, openly in each other’s faces but never behind backs. That was the main rule. We cleaned up so much mess—ugly emotions from guests, their tormenting each other. And somehow we got through it with laughter, but a thoughtful kind of laughter.

Work helped me grow. It grounded me and made life orderly, predictable, interesting (oh, with all our hotel stories!) and much more… It’s wonderful to have big responsibility, enjoyable to resolve conflicts, a pleasure to argue with management and fight for those you care about, for ideas, for values. It’s nice to make someone else’s work pleasant. It’s nice to leave at lunch just with coffee by the ocean. Barefoot. And our team—beloved, very homey and sincere.

I’m so grateful they gave me as much vacation as I needed! And that sometimes I could be late or come on my own schedule. That was pure oxygen! I wouldn’t have lasted otherwise. 

In the morning, standing by the window with coffee—I’d ask myself: why all this? Why all this? What next? Is this what happiness looks like?

Then I’d look at the kids—one happiness descended in morning anger: you didn’t sign papers, I won’t eat this, where’s my sock? I hug—happiness. Another happiness rises from the basement—sleepy, played all night. I hug—happiness. The rest of happiness—going to work, chatting with my beloved—there’s happiness in them too.

But summer came and I felt cramped and stuffy. I wanted to run barefoot and act like a kid on summer break. A month off in August (bold? That’s putting it mildly!) was denied by my manager, so I decided… to quit. Not very adult-like.

That’s about work.

The cat Tove appeared. We picked her up from Vancouver, met the owner right in Stanley Park, then took the ferry to the island. Tove was tiny, the kids caressed her with care. Now she’s a fluffy fluffy lady with a playful nature, clear boundaries, self-respect and a high level of empathy.

Towards the end of the year, sorry (really, sorry!), about new close friends. Sorry about telling all those intimate things: came J. 

J is like from the movies, only real. Later, of course, this will stay forever in a book, from which a Netflix series will be made, and J will play the lead role because he’s truly extraordinary. 

And it doesn’t even matter if there’s a sequel or how long it lasts. That’s not important. What matters is now—ocean and full moon, four pulled teeth (mine), two concussions and a wrist injury (his), calm silence and peace overall. 

As we Russians say: this is all still through rose-colored glasses like in a movie, and then we’ll find the catch. 

Well, we already found it, and it got even more interesting. Because 

J literally stepped out of my dad’s medical books with possible and impossible neurological features and embodies the collective image of my childhood fantasies—which, as Freud tells us, is the strongest hook—the image of the father for a girl and fantasies formed in childhood.

Besides close friends, some previously distant friends showed a surprising side. Now I want to fight for them and never let go. Such people—try to find them. Thank you for your patience and for listening to my outpourings. Really! It takes a lot of patience. I promise that every hour you’ve listened to me this year, I will double by investing two hours of my time helping others with something useful.

Another joy: my parents came to visit, and then we all met—my sister and nephews—by the warm ocean. 

I wouldn’t leave my mom and dad aside. I’d clutch them fiercely, hug them with all the desperate love I’ve ever known. Please, let me be your little girl once more! Now – officially smart and officially with so many accomplishments to be proud of.

There were many trips and nature outings, just as I wished on New Year’s night.

And then… then I just collapsed into idleness, and everything started to crumble and bare all sorts of terrible and nasty things inside me — things buried deep but rotting away, poisoning everything from within with some cunning sabotage, spreading a lot of ugliness around. So I had to dig it all up and sort it out — basically, the Augean stables, and nothing pleasant. And that’s just one of the chances I got to perform 12 labors and earn the forgiveness of the gods.

For the coming year, I feel there will be battles with the boar, taming the Cretan bull, glimpsing the underworld to bring back a tamed Cerberus to the world, severed heads of the Lernaean Hydra, Stymphalian birds, the Cattle of Geryon, the lion, the hind — all those Kuhn stories fueling childhood imagination already in a fog.

***

Need some explanation of all the myths and creatures ? As my daughter asks – ‘don’t outsmart us, put the reference here.’

Hercules’ twelve labors include – the Erymanthian Boar, a gigantic wild beast terrorizing the region of Erymanthos; taming the Cretan Bull, a powerful bull sent by Poseidon that wreaked havoc on Crete; descending into the Underworld to capture Cerberus, the monstrous three-headed dog guarding the gates of Hades; slaying the Lernaean Hydra, a multi-headed serpent that regrew two heads for each one cut off; driving away the Stymphalian Birds, man-eating birds with metallic feathers that plagued a lake; stealing the cattle of Geryon, a giant who owned a herd of red cattle on a distant island; defeating the Nemean Lion, a beast with impenetrable skin that lived near Nemea; and capturing the Ceryneian Hind, a golden-horned deer sacred to Artemis, which was incredibly swift and elusive. 

I’m feeling like Hercules’ ready for similar labors – a challenge to test my strength and courage.