{"id":2492,"date":"2024-07-23T15:53:10","date_gmt":"2024-07-23T15:53:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/kattystories.com\/?p=2492"},"modified":"2025-08-26T09:54:04","modified_gmt":"2025-08-26T09:54:04","slug":"brenda-the-lesbian-blocks-her-loved-ones","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/kattystories.com\/ru\/brenda-the-lesbian-blocks-her-loved-ones","title":{"rendered":"Brenda the Independent Blocks Her Loved Ones\u00a0"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/figure>
\n

Brenda the Independent Blocks Her Loved Ones\u00a0<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Disguised behind sunglasses and a Tilley hat, she lives as \u201cIndependent Brenda\u201d – hiding from coworkers, motherhood, and expired documents. Her children prepare to fly alone to Moscow. One never to come back to Canada. She\u2019s blocked her mother and her ex. It feels like living in a The Academy of Fools sketch – a clown released from the Cuckoo\u2019s Nest.\u00a0<\/em><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

You want some drama and peeking into other people\u2019s windows? C\u2019mon, we all love that, even don\u2019t admit it. Gossiping is too low for me so I\u2019ll tell you about my windows.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I blocked my mom – because she calls twice a day to remind me of everything I can\u2019t do and everything I\u2019m absolutely failing at. I asked her twice not to. It\u2019s counterproductive. Whether she nags me or doesn\u2019t – same result.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I blocked K – because in a fit of emotion, he said something you just never say to anyone. That\u2019s something you just don\u2019t do, and especially – to someone who was let out of the Cuckoo\u2019s Nest on good faith.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My loved ones try to cheer me up the only way they know how. And no matter how many times I explain what works and what doesn\u2019t. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Their \u201chelp\u201d feels more like poking at burnt coals with a twig, expecting a bonfire just because it used to burn once.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

No dry kindling, no breeze – nothing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

I walk around in giant black sunglasses and a silly Tilley hat, tucking away my brightly dyed curls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Tilley hat – a Canadian treasure no less important than maple syrup or C\u00e9line Dion – is the invention of Alex Tilley, a Canadian traveler who designed a hat that doesn\u2019t sink in water or blow away in the wind. It\u2019s practical, but let\u2019s face it, ridiculous. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d never wear it. But it hides my face well and underlines that this is not my usual style.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

J calls me \u2018Independent Brenda\u2019 because I keep my distance and won\u2019t let him hold my hand.
I\u2019m in disguise.
Even my car is undercover. Gone is the fancy, impractical red mini – now I drive a plain silver family car. At least the kids can get in without squeezing past each other through tiny doors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The disguise works. I run into colleagues all the time, and they don\u2019t recognize me.
Lesbian Brenda goes shopping, pumps gas, strolls around the city, visits galleries, takes ferries and double-decker buses.
Once she even went through a Starbucks drive-thru – and no one recognized her.  I suppose. Sometimes I think she just enjoys the feeling of not being caught. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In July, I filed for a compassionate leave from work to care for a sick family member. I had to fly to Moscow urgently. I was just waiting on my Canadian visa to come through – the only document that would let me back into Canada. Before that, I\u2019d asked my manager for a regular vacation – it had been planned ages ago – but it was denied. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Summer. Peak tourist season. Everyone wants time off. Who\u2019s going to work? <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I moved my compassionate leave up a week. I had to say I was leaving due to a family emergency (which I did), but before that, I was secretly off for a road trip – the one my manager denied. I was sure I\u2019d have the visa by the time I got back. But it\u2019s been 46 days. Still no visa. I can\u2019t go back to work yet – still hoping it\u2019ll come through.
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 So I keep walking around as Lesbian Brenda, curls tucked under a hat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

At first, hiding was kind of fun. I knew it won\u2019t take forever. Now – not at all.
Lying is just plain disgusting. My coworkers have already given me their hugs and sympathy. What am I supposed to do –  hand it all back?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And honestly, I don\u2019t have the energy to work (oh, poor thing).
Last summer – same thing. I asked for a month off in August. Denied. (Summer. Peak tourist season. Everyone wants time off. Who\u2019s going to work? You\u2019re the manager! You lead by example!) <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

 So I quit. I loved that job – mostly because of the team. And the status – which mattered so much to my family, and gave me peace because they were proud of me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hiding sucks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m sending the kids to Moscow on their own. Two layovers, no escort.  If there are multiple airlines on the route, no one provides an escort.  Last year we flew Vancouver \u2013 Montreal \u2013 Dubai, then to the Maldives on a plane heading to Sri Lanka \u2014 where, no joke, we slept through our stop and almost missed Male. The kids know logistics. This year it\u2019s Moscow instead of Maldives. They\u2019ll be fine. I\u2019m not worried about them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m worried Canada won\u2019t let them leave.
Even though we have a notarized letter (\u201crecommended but not required\u201d).
I\u2019m worried Domodedovo airport in Moscow won\u2019t release them to Grandma because she doesn\u2019t have an official power of attorney.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Citizens can\u2019t be denied entry to their own country, right? Just tell them on arrival: \u201cWe\u2019re tired of Lesbian Brenda. We want to go home – to Grandma and Grandpa.\u201d These are the values my country respects. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s all nerve-wracking: the wildfires, the missiles, human trafficking. The documents they might ask for – and we don\u2019t have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Planning horizon = zero.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, the dentist booked us for a check-up in six months.  \u201cDoes January 28th work for you?\u201d I have no idea who we\u2019ll be on January 28th in Canada. What kind of people will we be by that time?  But remembering the Canadian rule not to overshare when asked \u201cHow are you?\u201d, I smile and say:
\u201cSure, book us in.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My son blurts out:
\u201cDon\u2019t book me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Receptionist glances at me.
\u201cBook him. We\u2019ll cancel if needed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Him again:
\u201cWhy cancel later? Just don\u2019t book me now!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019s already uncomfortable…
There\u2019s no way to explain. He wants to go back to Russia and never come back to Canada that didn\u2019t welcome him the way he needed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n


Canadians are lovely –  I truly love them. But their stress level kicks in way earlier than ours.  Where Russians wouldn\u2019t even blink, they already have a racing heart. Where our heart starts racing, theirs hits panic attack level – and they\u2019re on leave of absence.<\/strong>
<\/strong> Time off to take care of… themselves. Take care of yourself? That\u2019s a luxury thing in Russia, only for the younger generation. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBook it, book it,\u201d I say. \u201cMy son\u2019s just a big joker. Look at that wild hair – like Slava Polunin\u2019s. Inventor of Fool\u2019s Academy. You know what I mean?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But she doesn\u2019t. No one here knows who he is. Maybe in Montreal at Cirque du Soleil? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Slava Polunin is a world famous modern Russian clown with absurdity humour that Russians deeply recognize. Space between laughter and heartbreak, the longing for beauty in chaos, the cry and giggle at the same time. For immigrants, for outsiders, for anyone balancing multiple worlds – that\u2019s exactly what we need.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll understand a whole cultural language of Russians if you watch his show – one where grief wears yellow shoes and floats in bubbles\u201d.
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 And quoting literary classics doesn\u2019t really land here. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We have different cultural codes. And learning this difference means growing. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I do love Canadians. But sometimes it feels like I\u2019m talking to myself. And like I\u2019m \u201cshowing off.\u201d But back home – this is just how we talk. We quote classic, we speak different languages, we\u2019ve traveled the world\u2026 So I thought\u2026 But it turned out that only my very close circle of friends was like that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Planning horizon? What planning horizon? On August 7, our document expires – the one that says we\u2019ve applied to extend our other documents. You can\u2019t reapply to extend a document that proves you\u2019re applying to extend your documents. It\u2019s expired. So now every other document is officially and legally expired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Clown Academy? Eug\u00e8ne Ionesco\u2019s Theatre of the Absurd where human existence has no inherent meaning? It\u2019s surreal, illogical – chaos for chaos\u2019s sake.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sorry, it\u2019s me being a smartass again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I try to explain to my mom all that bureaucracy. She says:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are no hopeless situations, only people who don\u2019t know how to fill out documents.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And she\u2019s not wrong. Let\u2019s not point fingers. Visa: in process. Residency permit: in process.  Work permit: expired. Kids\u2019 study permits: expired. Driver\u2019s license: expired. My unpaid fines: overdue. My hospital bills: unpaid (was it the pancreatitis or my brain this time?). It should all be covered by insurance – but the insurance card? Expired. They\u2019ll reimburse it once my PR is approved.
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 And how will that happen, if every supporting document has expired? The kids might not even be able to return to Canada. What planning horizon? What calm? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A Canadian would have folded their hands neatly and waited for Charon the ferryman to transport their souls across the river Styx – for a looney or a toonie to pay for the passage. Without payment, the souls are left to wander in the gloomy underworld – and no politeness, no small talk would help them. <\/strong>                                                                                                                                                                              <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My son doesn\u2019t want to return to Canada. He wants to go to school in Moscow. He\u2019s willing to study extra, make up the missed years. He loves me deeply – and I love him. But it\u2019s hard for him to be with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSometimes you\u2019re awesome, Mom. And sometimes – you\u2019re impossible. Totally impossible!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I get it. I can barely handle myself. My daughter sometimes adds in anger: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow can you ever live with yourself?\u201d<\/strong>
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 I\u2019m not exactly winning at motherhood. I make them do dishes. Clean the cat box. Sort recycling. Take the bus on their own. I feed them broccoli and oatmeal made with coconut milk and hemp seeds for extra protein. I don\u2019t hug them much – too prickly, inside and out. I ask how they\u2019re doing – and if they don\u2019t answer, I don\u2019t push. My son says he wants to leave and not come back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAlright,\u201d I say. \u201cThen pack up your room. Sort everything into boxes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m moving into your room. I\u2019m living in the living room right now, on the floor! (No kidding. It\u2019s a bedframe story<\/mark><\/a>). And leave me the password to your computer.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo! That\u2019s not how this works!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It just hit him yesterday:
If you decide not to come back – that\u2019s what it looks like. Your room\u2019s no longer yours. You\u2019re not taking the computer to Moscow – it becomes mine. I sleep on the floor. My laptop doesn\u2019t even have a working enter key. This one has a keyboard, a monitor. Maybe now I\u2019ll finally write my genius posts into my genius book\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He packed up.
Hooked up my laptop to his monitor. Told me not to touch the CPU. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The planning horizon is shrinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lesbian Brenda puts on her Tilley hat and, like a gentle flute melody through the fog, calls her children to the ferry.
They packed their own suitcases (they know I\u2019m not much help). I don\u2019t even know what\u2019s in them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fog is my favorite weather. Calm. No pressure – because you can\u2019t see anything through it anyway.
Calm – because I\u2019ve blocked the numbers of people who try to push one-legged people into Olympic races with the two-legged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNothing is ever as infinitely quiet as waiting at sea in the fog. You listen for the movement of big ships – they might appear suddenly, and you won\u2019t hear the sound of water breaking around their curved sides in time to start your engine, to step aside and save yourself – why don\u2019t they sound their horns?.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I should have brought a compass,\u2019 thought Yunna. \u2018The sea is perfectly still, no wind at all. No bell, no time.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014 Tove Jansson <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What a joy it once was to visit Moominvalley in Finland. The kids were so little. And we didn\u2019t even dream – we knew. We knew for sure:
One day, we\u2019ll live on an island…
Where it\u2019s perfectly calm.
No noise. No time, no ticking, nothing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just the three of us: the son, the daughter and their mom, just a week ago released from the Cuckoo\u2019s Nest on good faith.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Wire, briar, limberlock, <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Three geese in a flock, <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

One flew east, one flew west, <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

One flew over the cuckoo’s nest\u2019.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014 Ken Kesey. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

*** <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do I have to write an obvious disclosure that I respect  LGBTQIA2S+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer or Questioning, Intersex, Asexual, and Two-Spirit) and Canadians too, especially their kindness, care, and support. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that, overall, I\u2019m doing fine. The texts here may be based on real events \u2014 some of them \u2014 but they\u2019re also full of hyperbole and self-irony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I actually wrote \u201cBrenda the Lesbian\u201d as this is how J called my \u201cindependent\u201d look but I was afraid it might hurt someone. Which I never meant to. Anyway, I changed the title. What do you think?\u00a0<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Disguised behind sunglasses and a Tilley hat, she lives as \u201cIndependent Brenda\u201d – hiding from coworkers, motherhood, and expired documents. Her children prepare to fly alone to Moscow. One never to come back to Canada. She\u2019s blocked her mother and her ex. It feels like living in a The Academy of Fools sketch – a clown released from the Cuckoo\u2019s Nest. <\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2493,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"elementor_theme","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,6],"tags":[43,52,40,48,44,64,55],"class_list":["post-2492","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-everyday-stories","category-stories","tag-canada","tag-dark-humour","tag-family","tag-mental-health","tag-russia","tag-starbucks","tag-work"],"yoast_head":"\nBrenda the Independent Blocks Her Loved Ones\u00a0 - Katerina Mukhina<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/kattystories.com\/ru\/brenda-the-lesbian-blocks-her-loved-ones\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"ru_RU\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Brenda the Independent Blocks Her Loved Ones\u00a0 - Katerina Mukhina\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Disguised behind sunglasses and a Tilley hat, she lives as \u201cIndependent Brenda\u201d - hiding from coworkers, motherhood, and expired documents. 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